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Monday, June 27, 2016


I am in total love with the age my children are right now.  They are growing in to 3 very different, unique humans and my heart just almost explodes daily.  They are pretty much self-sufficient but they all still need their Momma.  All 3 of them still ask mine and Loren's permission if they want to do something and accept that a lot of the times the answer is going to be "no". That doesn't mean they don't pout or get their feelings hurt.... heck I still pout (just ask Loren).   I can carry on a conversation with them about pretty much anything.   They don't have much in common with one another and that is totally okay.  But one thing, and the MOST important thing they have in common is their love for JESUS. We never have to make our kids go to church.  They are always ready.  They have a passion for church that I did not have at their ages.  I am completely satisfied with them not having a wall full of academic and athletic awards (however those are nice). But in reality, those are "wordly riches" and I am more focused on their "true riches".   I saw all 3 of them stand last night in church to proclaim their knowledge of the age they were when they were saved.  If that doesn't get you excited, I don't know what will.

One of my children asked Loren and I last week what would happen to all of the people who never accepted Jesus as their savior.  Our answer was that they would go to hell.  Plain and simple.  The next question for us was "How do we fix that?"...... this led to a dialogue that I will tuck away in my heart forever.

My prayer is not that the world be prepared for my children..... but that my children be prepared for the world.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

If tomorrow never comes......

Sometimes I forget Johnny is dead. He is dead. I can't hardly breathe when I remember he is dead. Everyday when I wake up I have to tell my heart my brother is gone, my head knows it, but my heart forgets ..... Everyday.

For 6 years I watched my brother die, but I never thought he would be dead. I watched him go from a VERY strong-willed, independent man to a completely helpless shell of skin.   During these 6 years Cancer took  away his career, his energy, his drive, his spunk, his ability to eat, his ability to walk and lastly his ability to live.

Every time we got the results of a scan I thought .... No worries..... The cancer doctors do this everyday. They find the right combination of meds & they fix people that have cancer..... He has beat it before and he will do it again and we all carried on with our lives as normal......  LIE!!  There is no normal after cancer enters your family.  Your daily conversations consist of words like "chemo", "radiation " , "labs", "white blood count".  Cancer controls your emotions. It has the power over your moods. It changes how you look at life.  We are all victims of cancer even if we don't actually have it growing inside us.

Wednesday November 19, 2014.... The day of last conversation I had with Johnny. "Sis!!"....  He called from his chair.  I walked to where he was. "Are you ok with this?"  "Ok with what", I asked. "With what is taking place?"  He responded. How was I suppose to answer that question?  What was taking place in my head and what was taking place in my heart was two different things. In my head, he was asking for me to be ok with him getting some extra help with the assistance of some home health nurses. In my heart, he was asking if I was ok with him dying.  He knew he was leaving.  He just didn't have anything left. My response to him was that I was not ok with any of it but whatever made it easier on him was what I wanted. Another lie!!   I wasn't ok with any part of this!  This is not how the story should end!   I look back on that conversation and wonder if I should have said something different.  I left Momma's house that day never thinking that was the last time I would ever talk to my brother. It was the last time I ever heard him call me sis. It was the last time I heard him ask where my boys were. It was the last time I would see him sitting in his chair at Momma's house. One of the few people who has known me all of my life was preparing me to live without him here. You never think there will not be a tomorrow with those you love. I don't have anymore tomorrow's with Johnny ..    All I have with him are "yesterday's" .  When I speak or think of him.... It will always be past tense. Wednesday November 19, 2014 was my final "yesterday" with my oldest brother.  It was the day my heart said goodbye to Johnny.

If tomorrow never comes......

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Just give me a spoon......

Rules......rules are the rules.  NO....rules were not made to be broken.  Rules were made to be enforced and followed.  I am a rule follower.  I always have been.  Now, I am not saying I don't occasionally break the speed limit or run a yellow light, but I still consider myself a rule follower.  I spend most of my days enforcing rules and the occasional consequence on my children and other people's children and I am totally okay with doing that.  The key word there is "children".

The past 2 weekends, Evan has had away football games.  Saturday before last was at Centerpoint.  When the family and I arrived to the field and approached the gate to pay, I handed the nice lady $6.00 to pay for me and Loren.  She said it would be $8.00.  I proceeded to tell her, no mam it will not because the pee wee football rules states that admission WILL be $3.00.  She says, "well we were told to charge $4.00".  I quickly pulled the rules out of my bag and shared them with her. To make a long story short, they (the people in the booth) decided to make things easier on themselves and charge the approved admission price of $3.00 per person.  Well, I won't leave out the part that involved me standing by the gate and when I heard her say $4.00 each to someone , I would walk back over and say... "now remember, the rules say to charge $3.00".  Same response every time....a roll of the eyes and she told them the right price.  And yes.....those that paid $4.00 before I arrived went and got their money back.  Loren said, We had been there all of 2 minutes and I was already ticking people off..... I guess it is just a talent I have.  Come on people....just follow the rules!!!!

This past Saturday us Beavers traveled to Bismark.  We were leaving the house around 8:30 and my phone began ringing and  my Facebook was sounding. Somehow I knew it was regarding the game at Bismark.  Once again, we encounter a school that has chosen not to follow the APPROVED pee wee football rules.  They were also charging everyone $4.00 and they were refusing to honor AAA passes.  Both of these statements are clearly printed in the rules.  Many folks let the lady on the ticket booth know she was wrong about the price she was charging for gate admission.  But once again they were told, "this is what we were told the charge.". The funny thing is, those individuals that are giving the instructions to over charge ARE NEVER PRESENT!!!!  Well.....Bismark also decided it would be less trouble to go ahead and let people pay the approved gate admission, but would not budge on the AAA passes.  I spent a great deal of my morning there confronting those that were breaking this rule.  In a matter of 45 minutes, I was a witness to an adult female lying to my face about attending a game at GR and her AAA pass not being accepted,  I was accused of typing up the pee football rules myself, and was also told that the rules were not "rules" they were just "suggestions".  The last excuse is my favorite.  That one did make me laugh out loud when she said that.

The past 2 weekends, I was witness to adults breaking, ignoring, and bending the rules so they could collect more money.  What a sad day to be an adult.  The rules were established to be enforced.  The same rules should be in place at every place we play pee wee football.  What kind of example does it set for our children if we choose to be "rule-breakers". And yes, those people from those two schools were breaking the rules..........pitiful.

And.....last thing...... I am used to people rolling their eyes at me.  I am used to people getting upset when I question what they say and what they do.  I am used to people just acting like we should ignore it when people are rude , mean, and are obviously breaking the rules.   I have been called a "pot-stirrer" a few times......and I am prepared to wear that label with pride..... We all need a nickname.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

He is not there.......

2 years......  it has been 2 years......  over 700 days..... since I have talked to my Daddy...... since I have heard his voice..... since I have seen him kiss my Momma.... since I have told him "bye".

I was no help to Momma and my brothers when they were planning Daddy's funeral.  I was useless.  It took all I had to breathe.  I did nothing. 

We left the funeral home on April 8, 2010, went to the cemetery, dropped the casket that held my Daddy's body off, said a few words and we all left.  I have not been back to that cemetery.  I have not seen the tombstone that has my Daddy's name engraved on it.  I have not seen the small piece of land that was selected to be the final resting place for my Daddy.  I am not sure I ever will.   

Daddy is not there.  He will never be there.

He is with me.  He is in Momma's memory.  He is deep in the hearts of  all of his grandkids.  He is in Jimmy's patience and Johnny's impulsivity.    He is in the face and everyday gestures of both Uncle Dub and Uncle Delbert. 

He is not at that cemetery.

I see him often.

He is seen often sitting on the front porch in the white plastic chair he spent many hours sitting in waving at the neighbors as they passed by.  He is seen often making the walk from the house to the dog pen always with a glass of coke.  He is seen often under that huge oak tree that stood for so many years.  He is often seen on his old blue tractor making turns around the yard. I can also see him sitting in his recliner with with his feet hanging off because he was so tall.  We all see him often. 

He is not in the ground.  He is not in that wooden box.  He is not at the cemetery.  He never was and he never will be. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

My spot.........

I have a new favorite picture. It is the picture of me & my Daddy sitting on the front porch at Mom's house. Some of you may have seen it and "liked" it. Mom found it last weekend while going through a collection of her pics. The number one reason I love it so much is because it has my Daddy in it. The number two reason why I love it is because it has me sitting next to Daddy in it. Some people may think this is not a very big deal but it is a huge deal to me.

I spent the majority of my life sitting by my Daddy. Him in his recliner and me in my spot on the couch. Lots of Friday & Saturday nights were spent right there. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. I am quite a bit younger then my brothers. I did not have to fight with them over sitting space in the living room. They were either married and out of the house or they we just off doing their own thing. It is silly the things we view as sacred. That spot on the end of the couch is sacred to me. I don't sit there anymore. It's just not the same.

All of this leads to a point I promise. That picture has brought back a mound of emotion I have not been able to shake the past few days. Wednesday night was the Razorback basketball game. A game in which would have led to my Daddy turning it off at halftime. If Daddy was here with me we would have had several phone conversations about this game. Needless to say, I went to bed that night thinking about Daddy. This led me to dream of Daddy. This particular dream was quite different then most of my dreams about him. This dream seemed to last forever.

In my dream, everything was almost perfect. The Hog game was on the TV. I was in MY spot on the end of the couch but Daddy's recliner was empty. He was at the front door. I motioned for him to come in and he shook his head. I said, "Daddy, come sit by me." and he did not. I asked him over and over to come and sit by me so we could watch the game. He never would. It got to the point that I was pleading with him. Daddy finally spoke and said "I can't" and he left. I stayed in my spot .....on the end of the couch.

I know Daddy is better off then any of us. I know I will see him again. I know there is a spot on a couch next to his recliner that is MINE in his new home but for the moment I miss him and I am sad.

Monday, January 16, 2012

It's a list.........

10 reasons I know Loren Crow loves me.......

10. He tells me all the time. :)
9. He agreed to move to Traskwood 11 years ago & live completely surrounded by my family.
8. He did not run away laughing & shaking his head when we first started dating & he brought me cheese dip & chips to my house & I would not let him in because my parents were not home.
7. He logged many hours sitting at the foot of my bed or beside me on my parents couch while I was in college. He chose to watch me study rather then do anything else.
6. He stuck around even after Daddy threatened to end his life if he snuck in the yard in the middle of the night to leave flowers on my car one more time.
5. He sacrificed evenings & weekends for 2 years to make a home for me and his kids.
4. I have had 3 brand new vehicles since we have been married and he has had none.
3. He kisses me goodbye every morning before he leaves for work.
2. He accepts everyone of my personalities.
1. He ALWAYS gives me the chocolate at the bottom of the drumstick ice cream!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I have held it in as long as I can....

I am just a little aggravated.  A little aggravated with society.  A little aggravated with some folks that I don't have contact with and I have absolutely no desire to have contact with.  I will be the first person to tell you that my kids are spoiled.  Who spoiled them you ask?  Well.... that would mainly be me and their Daddy.  There are others who have taken part in the spoiling process but the majority of the spoiling too place right here..... in our home.

My children do not have the "best".  My oldest son did not get a phone until he turned 12.  According to him, he was the very last 6th grader to get a phone.  When we did decide to get him a phone, it was the "free phone" that you get when you start a new line.  You know... the one that is made just for talking and texting.  Picture the most plain phone ever..... and that is the one!  He was so happy to get a phone.  He had waited so long.... 12 whole years.  One again.... my kid.... did not have the "best" phone.  A lot of kids the same age as Hayes, have very fancy phones.  They have all the bells and whistles.  I know Hayes looks at them and thinks to himself "it sure would be nice to have one of those fancy phones".

Here is where my aggravation begins.  My kids do not have the best of the best when it comes to material objects unless "Realtree" is a name brand clothing line, then we do have that part covered.  But I don't think it is.  I do think my kids have a lot more "bests" then they actually realize, besides they are just kids after all.

My children have a home that houses both Mom and Dad.  My children have a Mom and a Dad that are trying their "best" ....everyday.  Trying out best to make sure our children have "better" then the "best" some day.     And 99% of the time, Mom and Dad really, really, really, like one another.  My children have a Mom and Dad that want to be together.  Our kids have never had to learn what the word "infidelity" means. They have parents that took their marriage vows seriously and understand that this gig is a lifetime commitment.  Parents that choose to seek attention outside of their marriage destroy their children.  It is a burden that the children will have to live with forever.   They rewrite the playbook for parenting.  Shame on them.

My children have had the same home for 11 years.  It is not the "best" house, but it is the "best" home for my kids.  They have not had to relocate on several occasions due to the rent being due, dodging bills, or even dodging the police.  They have not had to relocate because of a marriage ending.  They are able to sleep in the same bed every night.  We don't promise them more then we can give them.  We don't tell them we are building a huge house some place and then create lies over and over again as to why we have not moved in to it yet.  People who feed their kids these empty promises just look dumb.  We all know better.     Their home is not the "best", but it is filled with God, Love, Honesty, Forgiveness, Faithfulness, and Family. 

My children have parents who work in hopes of some day giving them the "best".  I am blessed with a career that allows me a large amount of time off with my kids.  I would not change that for anything.  My kids have a Dad that works hard.  He is at his job before most of us are awake and sometimes he ends his day when we are getting ready for bed.  My children have parents that do not want to take advantage.  My children have parents that know better then to try to create an illness in hopes of being able to get a disability check.  My children have parents who are honest about their careers and don't claim to have more money then what we do when the truth is they are just looking for a reason to sue someone.

I am just a little aggravated at some parents that are lying to their kids.  Here is the "best" lie yet.   You don't have cancer, you never did.  Stop picking this disease because it is the only one you can spell.