Right and Wrong

This will be a short blog I promise.  I am pretty sure most individuals know the difference between right and wrong.  As adults we teach children the difference between the two. Too often today adults are modeling wrong behavior while preaching right behavior. I have never claimed to be a perfect individual.  But I know there are those who love to thrive on the faults of others in an attempt to make themselves appear to be better.  I hope that I am teaching my children to be a good person.  I want them to love people, be there for people, be fair, be patient, be kind, be respectful, etc.  I know along the way that Loren and I will make mistakes with our kids and we will own those mistakes and hopefully learn from them.  The biggest value that I want my kids to take from me and Loren is that family needs to be a "safety-net".  I want them to understand that this family that we are raising them up around will be the ones that will stand behind them, beside them, and in front of them if the need be.  Family should never be a "thorn" that pricks another family member just because they are not happy.  Family should never feel the need to use harmful words towards another family member.  Those words are permanent and nothing takes the sting away. Apologizing for the same behavior becomes meaningless.   Family does not take sides, form alliances, or openly criticize others.    Family is all that is left once the rest of the world walks away.  I am proud that I have a family that takes pride in each other and will not allow anyone within or outside the family succeed in tearing it apart. 

    Today is my baby girls 6th birthday.  This makes me sad that these 6 years have flown by and at the same time it makes me ecstatic because I love having her in my life.  Laci's middle name is Evelyn.  She is named after my Grannie.  I loved my Grannie so dearly there are not any words to truly describe the impact she had on my life.   When Loren and I found out we were having a girl we knew that we wanted her middle name to be Evelyn, after Grannie,  now we just had to find a first name to go with it.  We tossed several names around but nothing seemed right.  Then one day Loren was driving down an Arkansas highway and he saw a sign displaying the name of a city called "Laci".  He immediately called me to see what I thought about it.  I loved it.  It was meant to be.  Laci Evelyn Crow.  The sound of those names together make me smile.
     One of my favorite memories was when Loren and I told Grannie that Laci's middle name was going to Evelyn.  When we told her she simply said "well that is just fine". I knew at that moment that we had made the correct decision.   Laci was born on April 29th, 2005. My Grannie had a stroke on May 13th, 2005 that would prevent her from ever returning to her home.  Her not being at her home was a life-changing event for me.  I spent just as much time at her house as my own house when I was a kid.  Even as an adult I spent time at her house just visiting, talking, and on occasion taking a nap while she watched the kids.  She was keeping my kids while I was at work when she was 89 years old.  Her home was my home.   She would not be here with us much longer after May 13th.  She was 92 years old when she left this earth.  She had a long good life.  I am convinced that she hung on so she could meet and hold her namesake.  She lived in a nursing home for a while after her stroke.  I spent a great deal of time visiting with her there.  One of the nurses made a comment to my mother that she had never seen a family like ours.....  someone from the family was in and out all of the time....  they never knew when to expect us.  She always loved to hold Laci. Many of the staff would advise me to not let Grannie hold Laci but I knew, regardless of her stroke, that she knew who that baby was and she would not do anything to hurt her.   She would tell everyone she encountered that Laci was her namesake.  Grannie did not get to spend as much time with Laci as I would have liked but I am so thankful for the time she did.  We have pictures to remember those moments and to tell Laci about her Grannie.  Laci will talk about Grannie today as if she really knew her.  That is exactly how I want it to be.

Can anyone guess what I am going to blog about today????  Yep you got it!!  The wedding...... my baby niece's sweet wedding.  I am going to admit it....  I dreaded this wedding.  I dreaded it because it meant we had to let part of her go.  She was ready to create her own life with the man that she loves.  I want their love to last a lifetime.  I want them to give me as many sweet little great nieces and nephews as they want.  I was just fine leading up to the ceremony until she began that walk down the isle with my brother.  This was it......  it was really happening.  Part of me wanted to jump out in the isle and say.... "WAIT!!!  STOP!!!  Are you sure???  Have you thought this through??"  but I resisted and just let her pass by.  I could not look right at her face because then she would see my huge alligator tears that were pouring down my face.  This was it....  Jimmy was about to go and give Emilee to Devin.  Devin now assumes responsibility for one of my most prized possessions.  All we can do is trust that he loves her and will put her life before his.  The ceremony was beautiful.  My sweet Laci was the best little flower girl ever.  My other nieces looked gorgeous.  They had on their cowboy boots with their pretty bridesmaid dresses.  Family and friends watched as a couple began their journey as one.  Everything went so smooth...... no bumps...... no drama.  Thank you Pops for the beautiful weather Saturday.  We know you were there. 

The Protector

     My Daddy has always been my protector and the protector of the family.  He was a very silent type.  He did not need to speak much nor loud.  When he did speak, you heard him.  You remembered what he said.  I have witnessed him protecting his family on many occasions.  I have seen him make his point to folks who thought he was not serious when he spoke.  I have seen several grown men step in between him and others trying to contain him when someone said the "wrong thing" towards one of his kids.  He once told someone who had crossed the line by using me to get to someone else that there are 2 women on this Earth that you do not mess with.....  one is my wife and the other is my daughter.  This person got the point with those few words that it was time to rethink how they handled the situation.  There were no lengths he would not go to to keep his family safe.  Even as he was dying, he was putting us first.

One year ago today reality set in for my family.  We were in the cafeteria of Baptist Hospital just about to eat lunch.  It had already been a bad day for us little did we know bad was about to get worse.  "Code BLUE room 927, Code BLUE room 927".  We all froze.  The 9th floor is designated as the cardiac wing.  We did not know why they assigned Daddy to that floor.  Daddy had cancer not a bad heart.  I looked at Jimmy and said "It's Daddy" and he replied it has to be the other guy, he had just had heart surgery.  Something hit all of us and we left out of there on immediately. 
     Prior to that I had been with Daddy since he arrived at the ER.  Everyone else showed up later.  I was there waiting for him when the ambulance arrived.  He told the ambulance driver when they asked him who I was, "That is MY daughter".  Those are sweet words that still linger in my head.  We all were in the ER for a long time.  We waited and waited for some answers.  We waited and waited for Daddy to be put in a room.  When we finally got Daddy situated in a room, it was midday.  Daddy wanted us to take Momma and get her something to eat.  He wanted us to leave.  Since he was diagnosed with cancer he wanted Momma with him.  He wanted her at his side all of the time but this time he wanted her to go.  The last words he said to me was "Take your Momma to get something to eat".  Of course I did.  We all always did what Daddy told us to do.   Momma then kissed Daddy good-bye.   It did not make sense to us until days later.  He knew what was happening.  He knew he was about to leave.  He knew we did not want him to go.  He knew we needed him here.  He knew he could not stay.
      He sent us away to protect us.  He sent us away to prevent us from having to see him die.  He sent us away because he loved us.  He left this Earth doing what he had always done.....  protecting us.

April 4, 2010

Through death we experience many feelings. Death takes away people we love.  Death takes away people we need.  Death takes away people we want to have around for a very long time.  We are left here to carry on.  We are the ones who have to suffer.    So many people have told me about their pain when they had to experience  the "fist Christmas", "first Birthday", or the "first whatever" after they have loved someone they loved.  I have been extremely sad on those days but I can't help but focusing on the "last".  April 4th, 2010 was the last time I saw my Daddy at his house, in his chair where he is suppose to be.  Where I thought he would be for many more years because God knew how much I loved him and he would never take him away from me.  April 4th, 2010 was the last day that I was able to walk by my Daddy's chair with him in it and grab his hand as I walked by because he had his hand reached out to touch mine.  April 4th 2010, was the last time my babies were able to walk in their Pop's and Grandma's house and say "Hey Pops".  April 4th 2010, was the last time I listened to Daddy and my brothers talk in the living room about nothing that interested me as I had so many times for so many years.  April 4th, 2010 was the last time I walked out of my parents house assuming that I would be able to walk in the next day and see him in there again.  April 4th, 2010 was the last time my family was complete.