Sometimes I forget Johnny is dead. He is dead. I can't hardly breathe when I remember he is dead. Everyday when I wake up I have to tell my heart my brother is gone, my head knows it, but my heart forgets ..... Everyday.
For 6 years I watched my brother die, but I never thought he would be dead. I watched him go from a VERY strong-willed, independent man to a completely helpless shell of skin. During these 6 years Cancer took away his career, his energy, his drive, his spunk, his ability to eat, his ability to walk and lastly his ability to live.
Every time we got the results of a scan I thought .... No worries..... The cancer doctors do this everyday. They find the right combination of meds & they fix people that have cancer..... He has beat it before and he will do it again and we all carried on with our lives as normal...... LIE!! There is no normal after cancer enters your family. Your daily conversations consist of words like "chemo", "radiation " , "labs", "white blood count". Cancer controls your emotions. It has the power over your moods. It changes how you look at life. We are all victims of cancer even if we don't actually have it growing inside us.
Wednesday November 19, 2014.... The day of last conversation I had with Johnny. "Sis!!".... He called from his chair. I walked to where he was. "Are you ok with this?" "Ok with what", I asked. "With what is taking place?" He responded. How was I suppose to answer that question? What was taking place in my head and what was taking place in my heart was two different things. In my head, he was asking for me to be ok with him getting some extra help with the assistance of some home health nurses. In my heart, he was asking if I was ok with him dying. He knew he was leaving. He just didn't have anything left. My response to him was that I was not ok with any of it but whatever made it easier on him was what I wanted. Another lie!! I wasn't ok with any part of this! This is not how the story should end! I look back on that conversation and wonder if I should have said something different. I left Momma's house that day never thinking that was the last time I would ever talk to my brother. It was the last time I ever heard him call me sis. It was the last time I heard him ask where my boys were. It was the last time I would see him sitting in his chair at Momma's house. One of the few people who has known me all of my life was preparing me to live without him here. You never think there will not be a tomorrow with those you love. I don't have anymore tomorrow's with Johnny .. All I have with him are "yesterday's" . When I speak or think of him.... It will always be past tense. Wednesday November 19, 2014 was my final "yesterday" with my oldest brother. It was the day my heart said goodbye to Johnny.
If tomorrow never comes......
