Sometimes I forget Johnny is dead. He is dead. I can't hardly breathe when I remember he is dead. Everyday when I wake up I have to tell my heart my brother is gone, my head knows it, but my heart forgets ..... Everyday.
For 6 years I watched my brother die, but I never thought he would be dead. I watched him go from a VERY strong-willed, independent man to a completely helpless shell of skin. During these 6 years Cancer took away his career, his energy, his drive, his spunk, his ability to eat, his ability to walk and lastly his ability to live.
Every time we got the results of a scan I thought .... No worries..... The cancer doctors do this everyday. They find the right combination of meds & they fix people that have cancer..... He has beat it before and he will do it again and we all carried on with our lives as normal...... LIE!! There is no normal after cancer enters your family. Your daily conversations consist of words like "chemo", "radiation " , "labs", "white blood count". Cancer controls your emotions. It has the power over your moods. It changes how you look at life. We are all victims of cancer even if we don't actually have it growing inside us.
Wednesday November 19, 2014.... The day of last conversation I had with Johnny. "Sis!!".... He called from his chair. I walked to where he was. "Are you ok with this?" "Ok with what", I asked. "With what is taking place?" He responded. How was I suppose to answer that question? What was taking place in my head and what was taking place in my heart was two different things. In my head, he was asking for me to be ok with him getting some extra help with the assistance of some home health nurses. In my heart, he was asking if I was ok with him dying. He knew he was leaving. He just didn't have anything left. My response to him was that I was not ok with any of it but whatever made it easier on him was what I wanted. Another lie!! I wasn't ok with any part of this! This is not how the story should end! I look back on that conversation and wonder if I should have said something different. I left Momma's house that day never thinking that was the last time I would ever talk to my brother. It was the last time I ever heard him call me sis. It was the last time I heard him ask where my boys were. It was the last time I would see him sitting in his chair at Momma's house. One of the few people who has known me all of my life was preparing me to live without him here. You never think there will not be a tomorrow with those you love. I don't have anymore tomorrow's with Johnny .. All I have with him are "yesterday's" . When I speak or think of him.... It will always be past tense. Wednesday November 19, 2014 was my final "yesterday" with my oldest brother. It was the day my heart said goodbye to Johnny.
If tomorrow never comes......
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ReplyDeleteThird try the Charm??? Maybe. Hope so. Sorry for cluttering up your blog page. Couldn't figure out how to just edit my comment in order to correct spelling errors. I cannot have spelling errors!!!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand every word of what you just said. The only difference(s) between the two of us is that you have suffered TWO losses, both due to cancer, with the passing of your brother AND your daddy. I have "only" suffered (and like you, continue to suffer) the loss of my own daddy.... MY PRECIOUS DADDY-MAN as I will forever refer to him. I think about you all the time, Queen Jill. You are ALWAYS on my mind and you will forever be in my heart. It is so ironic how our lives (yours and mine together) have turned out. We may have gotten off to a "not so wonderful" beginning, but it didn't take long at all for us to overcome that..... completely due to your willingness to forgive and give me a chance. I will ALWAYS be grateful to you for that. (may have to give a little credit to a certain, silly country song too!!!) Then our lives paralleled again when you, yourself, became a history teacher (along with other subjects.... but we all KNOW History was your favorite because your History teachers were your favorite teachers.... BOTH of us!!!) and my sweet, sensitive, struggling cousin's FAVORITE TEACHER EVER. And then the latest time our lives intertwined was because of the most DEVASTATING situation of all..... MY PRECIOUS DADDY-MAN being diagnosed with a very similar form of throat cancer that your BELOVED BROTHER, JOHNNY was (at that time, in remission from). Unfortunately, remission (as we BOTH know very well) doesn't mean "CURE". The surgery to remove MY PRECIOUS DADDY-MAN'S throat cancer also removed his "voice box" and his ability to speak normally, having to use a voice prosthesis. But we didn't care about that one bit. The cancer was GONE and he was still HERE. That is all that mattered to us. However, relief for MY family then turned into agony once again for YOUR family, as Johnny's cancer returned.... as it would soon return for MY PRECIOUS DADDY-MAN. For their Final Battle, they (YOUR BELOVED BROTHER & MY PRECIOUS DADDY-MAN) fought the Ugly Beast TOGETHER.... even becoming friends as they would sometimes see each other on doctor / chemo / oncology visits because they had some of the same physicians and also because of the "connection" they had through us.... their QUEENS. Although they gave it their very best effort, in spite of both of them being such lovers of life and activity and all people, and so wonderfully social and so well-loved and admired by everyone who was ever privileged enough to come into contact with either of them..... however brief the encounter, they just couldn't "win" their second battles. MY PRECIOUS DADDY-MAN followed YOUR BELOVED BROTHER to HEAVEN in a matter of one month. The last audible words MY PRECIOUS DADDY-MAN said to me were, "I'm dying, Netta." It was at that very moment that my heart was RIPPED from my chest. I had to "do things" for him while he was in the hospital, right before he went to Hospice, that a daughter should never have to do for her father. I know he felt humiliated by needing my help with certain things when MY BEAUTIFUL SWEET MOMMA was home resting when we would just have to "force" her to go home for a little while due to her own frail health. Even though it may have seemed humiliating to him, it was so bittersweet for me. I will forever cherish those last memories of being able to hold him and "rock" him and help him go to the bathroom, etc. Ok.... so anyway.... enough of all that. I hope our lives (yours and mine) continue to intertwine, forever.... but I hope it will be because of good, happy situations. In the meantime though... please know that I am here for you and I understand when others may not. I love you, Sweetheart!!!