2 years...... it has been 2 years...... over 700 days..... since I have talked to my Daddy...... since I have heard his voice..... since I have seen him kiss my Momma.... since I have told him "bye".
I was no help to Momma and my brothers when they were planning Daddy's funeral. I was useless. It took all I had to breathe. I did nothing.
We left the funeral home on April 8, 2010, went to the cemetery, dropped the casket that held my Daddy's body off, said a few words and we all left. I have not been back to that cemetery. I have not seen the tombstone that has my Daddy's name engraved on it. I have not seen the small piece of land that was selected to be the final resting place for my Daddy. I am not sure I ever will.
Daddy is not there. He will never be there.
He is with me. He is in Momma's memory. He is deep in the hearts of all of his grandkids. He is in Jimmy's patience and Johnny's impulsivity. He is in the face and everyday gestures of both Uncle Dub and Uncle Delbert.
He is not at that cemetery.
I see him often.
He is seen often sitting on the front porch in the white plastic chair he spent many hours sitting in waving at the neighbors as they passed by. He is seen often making the walk from the house to the dog pen always with a glass of coke. He is seen often under that huge oak tree that stood for so many years. He is often seen on his old blue tractor making turns around the yard. I can also see him sitting in his recliner with with his feet hanging off because he was so tall. We all see him often.
He is not in the ground. He is not in that wooden box. He is not at the cemetery. He never was and he never will be.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
My spot.........
I have a new favorite picture. It is the picture of me & my Daddy sitting on the front porch at Mom's house. Some of you may have seen it and "liked" it. Mom found it last weekend while going through a collection of her pics. The number one reason I love it so much is because it has my Daddy in it. The number two reason why I love it is because it has me sitting next to Daddy in it. Some people may think this is not a very big deal but it is a huge deal to me.
I spent the majority of my life sitting by my Daddy. Him in his recliner and me in my spot on the couch. Lots of Friday & Saturday nights were spent right there. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. I am quite a bit younger then my brothers. I did not have to fight with them over sitting space in the living room. They were either married and out of the house or they we just off doing their own thing. It is silly the things we view as sacred. That spot on the end of the couch is sacred to me. I don't sit there anymore. It's just not the same.
All of this leads to a point I promise. That picture has brought back a mound of emotion I have not been able to shake the past few days. Wednesday night was the Razorback basketball game. A game in which would have led to my Daddy turning it off at halftime. If Daddy was here with me we would have had several phone conversations about this game. Needless to say, I went to bed that night thinking about Daddy. This led me to dream of Daddy. This particular dream was quite different then most of my dreams about him. This dream seemed to last forever.
In my dream, everything was almost perfect. The Hog game was on the TV. I was in MY spot on the end of the couch but Daddy's recliner was empty. He was at the front door. I motioned for him to come in and he shook his head. I said, "Daddy, come sit by me." and he did not. I asked him over and over to come and sit by me so we could watch the game. He never would. It got to the point that I was pleading with him. Daddy finally spoke and said "I can't" and he left. I stayed in my spot .....on the end of the couch.
I know Daddy is better off then any of us. I know I will see him again. I know there is a spot on a couch next to his recliner that is MINE in his new home but for the moment I miss him and I am sad.
I spent the majority of my life sitting by my Daddy. Him in his recliner and me in my spot on the couch. Lots of Friday & Saturday nights were spent right there. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. I am quite a bit younger then my brothers. I did not have to fight with them over sitting space in the living room. They were either married and out of the house or they we just off doing their own thing. It is silly the things we view as sacred. That spot on the end of the couch is sacred to me. I don't sit there anymore. It's just not the same.
All of this leads to a point I promise. That picture has brought back a mound of emotion I have not been able to shake the past few days. Wednesday night was the Razorback basketball game. A game in which would have led to my Daddy turning it off at halftime. If Daddy was here with me we would have had several phone conversations about this game. Needless to say, I went to bed that night thinking about Daddy. This led me to dream of Daddy. This particular dream was quite different then most of my dreams about him. This dream seemed to last forever.
In my dream, everything was almost perfect. The Hog game was on the TV. I was in MY spot on the end of the couch but Daddy's recliner was empty. He was at the front door. I motioned for him to come in and he shook his head. I said, "Daddy, come sit by me." and he did not. I asked him over and over to come and sit by me so we could watch the game. He never would. It got to the point that I was pleading with him. Daddy finally spoke and said "I can't" and he left. I stayed in my spot .....on the end of the couch.
I know Daddy is better off then any of us. I know I will see him again. I know there is a spot on a couch next to his recliner that is MINE in his new home but for the moment I miss him and I am sad.
Monday, January 16, 2012
It's a list.........
10 reasons I know Loren Crow loves me.......
10. He tells me all the time. :)
9. He agreed to move to Traskwood 11 years ago & live completely surrounded by my family.
8. He did not run away laughing & shaking his head when we first started dating & he brought me cheese dip & chips to my house & I would not let him in because my parents were not home.
7. He logged many hours sitting at the foot of my bed or beside me on my parents couch while I was in college. He chose to watch me study rather then do anything else.
6. He stuck around even after Daddy threatened to end his life if he snuck in the yard in the middle of the night to leave flowers on my car one more time.
5. He sacrificed evenings & weekends for 2 years to make a home for me and his kids.
4. I have had 3 brand new vehicles since we have been married and he has had none.
3. He kisses me goodbye every morning before he leaves for work.
2. He accepts everyone of my personalities.
1. He ALWAYS gives me the chocolate at the bottom of the drumstick ice cream!!!!!!
10. He tells me all the time. :)
9. He agreed to move to Traskwood 11 years ago & live completely surrounded by my family.
8. He did not run away laughing & shaking his head when we first started dating & he brought me cheese dip & chips to my house & I would not let him in because my parents were not home.
7. He logged many hours sitting at the foot of my bed or beside me on my parents couch while I was in college. He chose to watch me study rather then do anything else.
6. He stuck around even after Daddy threatened to end his life if he snuck in the yard in the middle of the night to leave flowers on my car one more time.
5. He sacrificed evenings & weekends for 2 years to make a home for me and his kids.
4. I have had 3 brand new vehicles since we have been married and he has had none.
3. He kisses me goodbye every morning before he leaves for work.
2. He accepts everyone of my personalities.
1. He ALWAYS gives me the chocolate at the bottom of the drumstick ice cream!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
I have held it in as long as I can....
I am just a little aggravated. A little aggravated with society. A little aggravated with some folks that I don't have contact with and I have absolutely no desire to have contact with. I will be the first person to tell you that my kids are spoiled. Who spoiled them you ask? Well.... that would mainly be me and their Daddy. There are others who have taken part in the spoiling process but the majority of the spoiling too place right here..... in our home.
My children do not have the "best". My oldest son did not get a phone until he turned 12. According to him, he was the very last 6th grader to get a phone. When we did decide to get him a phone, it was the "free phone" that you get when you start a new line. You know... the one that is made just for talking and texting. Picture the most plain phone ever..... and that is the one! He was so happy to get a phone. He had waited so long.... 12 whole years. One again.... my kid.... did not have the "best" phone. A lot of kids the same age as Hayes, have very fancy phones. They have all the bells and whistles. I know Hayes looks at them and thinks to himself "it sure would be nice to have one of those fancy phones".
Here is where my aggravation begins. My kids do not have the best of the best when it comes to material objects unless "Realtree" is a name brand clothing line, then we do have that part covered. But I don't think it is. I do think my kids have a lot more "bests" then they actually realize, besides they are just kids after all.
My children have a home that houses both Mom and Dad. My children have a Mom and a Dad that are trying their "best" ....everyday. Trying out best to make sure our children have "better" then the "best" some day. And 99% of the time, Mom and Dad really, really, really, like one another. My children have a Mom and Dad that want to be together. Our kids have never had to learn what the word "infidelity" means. They have parents that took their marriage vows seriously and understand that this gig is a lifetime commitment. Parents that choose to seek attention outside of their marriage destroy their children. It is a burden that the children will have to live with forever. They rewrite the playbook for parenting. Shame on them.
My children have had the same home for 11 years. It is not the "best" house, but it is the "best" home for my kids. They have not had to relocate on several occasions due to the rent being due, dodging bills, or even dodging the police. They have not had to relocate because of a marriage ending. They are able to sleep in the same bed every night. We don't promise them more then we can give them. We don't tell them we are building a huge house some place and then create lies over and over again as to why we have not moved in to it yet. People who feed their kids these empty promises just look dumb. We all know better. Their home is not the "best", but it is filled with God, Love, Honesty, Forgiveness, Faithfulness, and Family.
My children have parents who work in hopes of some day giving them the "best". I am blessed with a career that allows me a large amount of time off with my kids. I would not change that for anything. My kids have a Dad that works hard. He is at his job before most of us are awake and sometimes he ends his day when we are getting ready for bed. My children have parents that do not want to take advantage. My children have parents that know better then to try to create an illness in hopes of being able to get a disability check. My children have parents who are honest about their careers and don't claim to have more money then what we do when the truth is they are just looking for a reason to sue someone.
I am just a little aggravated at some parents that are lying to their kids. Here is the "best" lie yet. You don't have cancer, you never did. Stop picking this disease because it is the only one you can spell.
My children do not have the "best". My oldest son did not get a phone until he turned 12. According to him, he was the very last 6th grader to get a phone. When we did decide to get him a phone, it was the "free phone" that you get when you start a new line. You know... the one that is made just for talking and texting. Picture the most plain phone ever..... and that is the one! He was so happy to get a phone. He had waited so long.... 12 whole years. One again.... my kid.... did not have the "best" phone. A lot of kids the same age as Hayes, have very fancy phones. They have all the bells and whistles. I know Hayes looks at them and thinks to himself "it sure would be nice to have one of those fancy phones".
Here is where my aggravation begins. My kids do not have the best of the best when it comes to material objects unless "Realtree" is a name brand clothing line, then we do have that part covered. But I don't think it is. I do think my kids have a lot more "bests" then they actually realize, besides they are just kids after all.
My children have a home that houses both Mom and Dad. My children have a Mom and a Dad that are trying their "best" ....everyday. Trying out best to make sure our children have "better" then the "best" some day. And 99% of the time, Mom and Dad really, really, really, like one another. My children have a Mom and Dad that want to be together. Our kids have never had to learn what the word "infidelity" means. They have parents that took their marriage vows seriously and understand that this gig is a lifetime commitment. Parents that choose to seek attention outside of their marriage destroy their children. It is a burden that the children will have to live with forever. They rewrite the playbook for parenting. Shame on them.
My children have had the same home for 11 years. It is not the "best" house, but it is the "best" home for my kids. They have not had to relocate on several occasions due to the rent being due, dodging bills, or even dodging the police. They have not had to relocate because of a marriage ending. They are able to sleep in the same bed every night. We don't promise them more then we can give them. We don't tell them we are building a huge house some place and then create lies over and over again as to why we have not moved in to it yet. People who feed their kids these empty promises just look dumb. We all know better. Their home is not the "best", but it is filled with God, Love, Honesty, Forgiveness, Faithfulness, and Family.
My children have parents who work in hopes of some day giving them the "best". I am blessed with a career that allows me a large amount of time off with my kids. I would not change that for anything. My kids have a Dad that works hard. He is at his job before most of us are awake and sometimes he ends his day when we are getting ready for bed. My children have parents that do not want to take advantage. My children have parents that know better then to try to create an illness in hopes of being able to get a disability check. My children have parents who are honest about their careers and don't claim to have more money then what we do when the truth is they are just looking for a reason to sue someone.
I am just a little aggravated at some parents that are lying to their kids. Here is the "best" lie yet. You don't have cancer, you never did. Stop picking this disease because it is the only one you can spell.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
I shake my "head" back & forth....
Well tomorrow is the first day of 2012 and we still don't have humans living on the moon or have flying cars. I don't make resolutions because I know I won't keep them but I am happy for those of you that do make them and proud of your commitment.
I have lots of prayers for the upcoming year. I pray for a year without loss. The number of loved ones being lost each year is growing. Is that part of life? Is that part of getting older? Maybe so....... If it is part of life and getting older then why is a majority of the people we are losing younger? There is nothing right about burying someone who has not had the chance to live. But in the end, I remember I am not the Giver of life....therefore I am not the Taker of life either.
I also hope I shake my head a little less this year. I shake my head when people amaze me. Amaze me in a negative manner. Those who make me say "what in the world were they thinkin? Were they thinking at all?". I hope some of the adults I know begin to realize that every move they make and every decision they make affects their family.....their spouses...their kids....their parents..... All of their family!!!! And sadly, their actions rip families apart. Scars are not erased..... They may be masked...concealed....but not erased. Stop relying on "second chances". You only have one shot at raising your kids. The decisions you make as a parent in this very moment stays with the child for the rest of their life. Do you honestly want your child to remember they way you lived life as "what not to do"? Just imagine if you lived your life without needing to look down at the ground and avoid making eye contact with people you walk by. Be real......or you will eventually be "alone".
I know that I do not "walk on water". I make mistakes....daily. But... I am proud to say that my legacy is my family. They are my heart....my reason to breathe....my whole entire world. Nothing or nobody is worth risking their love and respect for me.
I have lots of prayers for the upcoming year. I pray for a year without loss. The number of loved ones being lost each year is growing. Is that part of life? Is that part of getting older? Maybe so....... If it is part of life and getting older then why is a majority of the people we are losing younger? There is nothing right about burying someone who has not had the chance to live. But in the end, I remember I am not the Giver of life....therefore I am not the Taker of life either.
I also hope I shake my head a little less this year. I shake my head when people amaze me. Amaze me in a negative manner. Those who make me say "what in the world were they thinkin? Were they thinking at all?". I hope some of the adults I know begin to realize that every move they make and every decision they make affects their family.....their spouses...their kids....their parents..... All of their family!!!! And sadly, their actions rip families apart. Scars are not erased..... They may be masked...concealed....but not erased. Stop relying on "second chances". You only have one shot at raising your kids. The decisions you make as a parent in this very moment stays with the child for the rest of their life. Do you honestly want your child to remember they way you lived life as "what not to do"? Just imagine if you lived your life without needing to look down at the ground and avoid making eye contact with people you walk by. Be real......or you will eventually be "alone".
I know that I do not "walk on water". I make mistakes....daily. But... I am proud to say that my legacy is my family. They are my heart....my reason to breathe....my whole entire world. Nothing or nobody is worth risking their love and respect for me.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Lauana Lane
Ask most anyone around here why we have a road named Lauana Lane and they will be able to tell you. Lauana Lane is named after my grandmother, my Daddy's mother. Her name was Sarah Lauana Cooper.
I never had the honor/ pleasure of meeting/ knowing her. She passed away shortly after Kevin was born. Momma will tell you that she waited to pass until Kevin was born. Hung on long enough to welcome one more Cooper grand kid to the world. You know she had to be so excited when Tami finally made her appearance. She had 6 grandsons. Finally a girl!!!! Cooper girls from my generation are very few..... only 2. That makes us a little special.
So, I never physically met MawMaw but from all of the stories I have been told from many different sources, I fell as though I am somewhat acquainted with her. My Grannie talked of MawMaw often. Grannie thought of MawMaw as her sister. She referred to MawMaw as being the best person she had ever know. Grannie lived to be 92, so she had known quite a few people in her day. What a reunion they must have had when Grannie took her last earthly breath.
My Momma refers to MawMaw as the greatest Mother-in-law ever possible. I am pretty sure Aunt Linda and Aunt Shirley share this opinion with Momma. Momma and Daddy made their home next door to MawMaw and PaPa. When Mother and Daddy moved there, MawMaw made them agree to leave this one cedar tree standing in the yard. To this day, that tree is still there. It has been lit up for Christmas, it has had many balls stuck up in it, and it has served as base for many games of tag. I have never heard any "Marie Barone" horror stories from Momma. However, I have heard stories of MawMaw laughing at Momma and Daddy out in the yard having a food fight back in their younger days. Momma also once told me that MawMaw told her that she had to learn to cook something besides fried pork chops and gravy for Daddy. I know Daddy never complained about that meal at all!! Mother has never mentioned anything negative about her.....makes me wonder if there was anything?
Johnny and Jimmy have often shared stories of their love for MawMaw......their childhood days spent in and out of her house. To be honest, it makes me a little jealous. I never got the chance to run next door to MawMaw's house. Never had a chance to make those memories, so I must rely on the ones that they share. Johnny talks about the time he tried to run away from home and he was moving down to MawMaw and Papa's house and she wouldn't let him stay. She also used to get a kick out of her guineas pecking at him. I have also been told that if you fought too much around her, she would make you sit and look at each other. That must have been torture to have to look at someone you wanted to rub in the dirt. Many memories were made on her front door steps by the Cooper Cousins lucky enough to have known her.
I know my Daddy loved her. His face lit up every time he talked of his Momma. He called her "Mother" or sometimes "Momma" but mostly "Mother" when he spoke to me of her. He talked of her cooking, the way she ironed, her chickens...etc. I wish I could recall every story he had EVER shared with me about her but I can't. But I can picture his face as he told me. Daddy's face was a perfect reflection of a son's love for his Momma. She was taken from him way too early in his life, but I know she watched as he and Momma built and cared for their family.
The days after Daddy passed many people tried to comfort me. Some did and some got on my nerves. :)
I will always remember a conversation I had with Uncle Delbert on the front porch of Mother and Daddy's house. Uncle Delbert told me that Daddy was happy. When he first said that to me, those were not comforting words but as he continued to talk through his tears, his point became more clear. He told me Daddy is happy right where he is at. He is with Momma and knowing that.... was the only way he could accept this. Daddy finally got to see his Momma again. A day he had been waiting on for a very long time.
Someday..... Daddy will introduce me......
I never had the honor/ pleasure of meeting/ knowing her. She passed away shortly after Kevin was born. Momma will tell you that she waited to pass until Kevin was born. Hung on long enough to welcome one more Cooper grand kid to the world. You know she had to be so excited when Tami finally made her appearance. She had 6 grandsons. Finally a girl!!!! Cooper girls from my generation are very few..... only 2. That makes us a little special.
So, I never physically met MawMaw but from all of the stories I have been told from many different sources, I fell as though I am somewhat acquainted with her. My Grannie talked of MawMaw often. Grannie thought of MawMaw as her sister. She referred to MawMaw as being the best person she had ever know. Grannie lived to be 92, so she had known quite a few people in her day. What a reunion they must have had when Grannie took her last earthly breath.
My Momma refers to MawMaw as the greatest Mother-in-law ever possible. I am pretty sure Aunt Linda and Aunt Shirley share this opinion with Momma. Momma and Daddy made their home next door to MawMaw and PaPa. When Mother and Daddy moved there, MawMaw made them agree to leave this one cedar tree standing in the yard. To this day, that tree is still there. It has been lit up for Christmas, it has had many balls stuck up in it, and it has served as base for many games of tag. I have never heard any "Marie Barone" horror stories from Momma. However, I have heard stories of MawMaw laughing at Momma and Daddy out in the yard having a food fight back in their younger days. Momma also once told me that MawMaw told her that she had to learn to cook something besides fried pork chops and gravy for Daddy. I know Daddy never complained about that meal at all!! Mother has never mentioned anything negative about her.....makes me wonder if there was anything?
Johnny and Jimmy have often shared stories of their love for MawMaw......their childhood days spent in and out of her house. To be honest, it makes me a little jealous. I never got the chance to run next door to MawMaw's house. Never had a chance to make those memories, so I must rely on the ones that they share. Johnny talks about the time he tried to run away from home and he was moving down to MawMaw and Papa's house and she wouldn't let him stay. She also used to get a kick out of her guineas pecking at him. I have also been told that if you fought too much around her, she would make you sit and look at each other. That must have been torture to have to look at someone you wanted to rub in the dirt. Many memories were made on her front door steps by the Cooper Cousins lucky enough to have known her.
I know my Daddy loved her. His face lit up every time he talked of his Momma. He called her "Mother" or sometimes "Momma" but mostly "Mother" when he spoke to me of her. He talked of her cooking, the way she ironed, her chickens...etc. I wish I could recall every story he had EVER shared with me about her but I can't. But I can picture his face as he told me. Daddy's face was a perfect reflection of a son's love for his Momma. She was taken from him way too early in his life, but I know she watched as he and Momma built and cared for their family.
The days after Daddy passed many people tried to comfort me. Some did and some got on my nerves. :)
I will always remember a conversation I had with Uncle Delbert on the front porch of Mother and Daddy's house. Uncle Delbert told me that Daddy was happy. When he first said that to me, those were not comforting words but as he continued to talk through his tears, his point became more clear. He told me Daddy is happy right where he is at. He is with Momma and knowing that.... was the only way he could accept this. Daddy finally got to see his Momma again. A day he had been waiting on for a very long time.
Someday..... Daddy will introduce me......
Friday, December 23, 2011
Come home Crystal
Tonight's writing will be straight to the point. I need everyone who reads this to whisper this statement to God tonight when you say your prayers. "Lord, bring Crystal home safely.". Crystal is a very special young lady from Avilla church that I love very much. She has ran away from home. Nobody has seen or heard from her since Wednesday. I have not mentioned this since I found out because I was praying it would resolve quickly. Her parents, as well has her friends, who are more like sisters are sick with worry. We all are. I just told her the Wednesday of the funeral that she was one of the best parts of me......Crystal....you still are. Lord please put your protective hand on Crystal and bring her home.
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